D is for Disorganized

God, that is my life summed up in one tight little ball. I had a total break down today. Complete and total breakdown. I started sobbing, and my grandma is either doing so terribly that she is not coherent, or she's too drugged up to think clearly. I hope it's drugged up. And the doctor was right when he said she had about 3 months to live. Man, she doesn't look good. But it was easier to deal with because Suzi was here. I haven't mentioned this before, but god- I love my Aunt Suzi. She's like the mom I wish I had. She doesn't hide anything from me- like I need to be protected. I've probably been through more than the average 14 year old kid out there, and if it's one thing I don't need protected. And she treats me like I'm as mature as I am. But also, when I break, she's there to hold me and tell me it's ok. She listens to me when I talk, not just giving me an answer to satisfy me for the moment. She sees things they way I do (which I must admit, is pretty fantastic) and she is a REAL person. She doesn't hide the fact that she has been through a lot, and tells people things they want to stay hidden. She is honest, and not afraid to tell you something is wrong with you. She isn't what most people would consider to be unoffensive, she's not afraid to flip you off- but then again- everybody has issues, and really, you can't complain at hers when the governing body cusses sometimes. I mean- don't look at the straw in your brothers' eye when you have a rafter in yours. All in all, she is exactly what I need to get through this. I am so happy I was able to come to that conclusion today.
~~~~ In other news: ~~~~
I am gonna start adding a new little thing at the end of my posts- it will look like this:
Day Rating: **
Song of the Day: Fix a Heart- Demi Lovato
Quote for the day: Never let life's hardships disturb you- no one can avoid problems.
Good Thing of the Day: Family

C is for Content

I <3 being home schooled. I had chili and coke for lunch :) Yummy. I took a nice loooong shower. I get so much more time, and I get to learn however I want, and whenever. Yummy chili... and I don't have to worry bout my teachers catching me texting :)

B is for Brusque

Agh!!!! I want to be CURT with my mother. Grrrr. I want to go down to my grandparents for a month. To recharge, get to know them a little better, you know? They live in Maryland, and they are the bomb diggety. (Don't make fun of me) But I asked my mother, and this is what she said "I don't know if I'm comfortable with that." Wait- rewind. WTH? WHY??? Because I'll be gone for a month? Um- trust me- I need to be. They're my GRANDPARENTS! What on earth could she have a problem with?
Next Day Viewpoint: I sound like a 6-year old. She will tell me eventually. I just like a things to be definite, and decided quickly, she doesn't really...

A is for Abhorrence

I am frozen in this moment, and at this moment, I am sinking. Sinking into what? You might ask. Really, it's self pity. I don't know how to deal with any of what's going on right now. My grandmother is dying- but she's in denial. My family couldn't care less about anything but themselves. I am trying, it's really hard when they are just plain mean. Things always get worse when I get home. When I am out, I am always afraid of that moment when I have to go home. I don't want to. At home, I have to watch fights (which for my INFJ personality type sucks butt) watch my grandma die, deal with my PMSing teenage little sister who is my polar opposite (if you ever meet the one person you truly cannot get along with, I hope to god it's not your little sister. Cause then, life sucks) deal with my parents who are so wrapped up in their own problems that they can't see what's obviously in front of their face (that I have major depression and hate everyone in my immediate family) and the fact that I absolutely hate myself. I mean, I'm ugly, I have so many pimples that make me gross to look at, I'm selfish, I have the tendency to gossip, but sometimes I can't tell the difference between gossip and venting, I'm dumb, I can't say the right thing, I am mean. I absolutely hate that I am mean. Every time I do something to some one that hurts them, I feel like I am about to throw up. And I know that I do it- and when I do it. And I want to say sorry, but I know that I'll get a sarcastic or mean response. I get enough of that from my sister, I don't need it from someone else. I have so many problems. Including the guy I like- Gabe in this little story- will never look at me the way I want him to. Ever.