AWKWARD

I went to lunch today at Burger King. And who do I run into? With Christian? WESTON. He was there. It was so awkward, I wanted to crawl under a rock and die. So what happened was Christian and I walk into Burger King in the middle of the day and sit down to eat our lunch. And then, in comes Weston. He walks up to us and I say 'Hey' and he says 'Hey' and looks at Christian. He looks all funny. He says 'You guys walk here?' and I was like 'Yeah' and he's like 'Why are you being so awkward' and I was thinking 'You're not helping anything with this awkward silence. if you have no idea what to say, how am I supposed to' and he goes and sits in the next booth across from me. And now I feel like he's staring at me, even though I know he's not, but it's still awkward as all get-out. Terrible lunch.

It's complicated

I feel like I'm always messing up. I can't find the words to say, or the things to do. I try so hard, but it's never enough. I wish it was all over. My family is a mess, I'm a mess, everything is a mess. I feel myself changing into the person I want to be, and I can't express it. Every time I let myself become who I am, I feel better. But I have a major problem. That person in my head is still there, and won't go away. I think about that person every day, and I have no way to stop myself. It sucks! I wish it would just go away. I am over the real life person, but I want to be over the in my head person too!

Grand Plan

Ok, so simplified- here is my grand life plan.
1) Finish high school
2) Finish college
3) Become a part-time paralegal, while also being a part-time flight attendant
4) Use time from when I am 18 to when I am 21 to get 3 years online towards becoming a forensic psychologist.
5) Move back to Colorado (or maybe Washington... depends) and become a full time paralegal
6) Move into house/nice apartment and get a dog.
7) Finish college to become a forensic psychologist. Hopefully get a job as one (this will be when I am 26)
8) Hopefully get married before then. If not, live as a pioneer for the rest of my single life, and also a forensic psychologist.
  So... what do you think of my life plan? This is my "if-the-new-system-doesn't-come-as-soon-as-people expect" plan.

Over my head

Have you ever felt like you just need to scream? I have so many things that I just want to scream about, that have just screwed my life over in so many ways. I read something my mom wrote, and realized something. She has so much going on, she can't really be a mom. She is worried about her family, and what they are doing, my Dad being, well, my dad, his family, and how every one treats her and her job. It upsets me to think she mentioned us kids maybe twice. She tries to be a mom, but we are just invisible to her. I think I have known that for a long time, and pretended that every one else thought I was invisible, when really, it was just my mom. She has tried so hard to care, but failed so miserably. Her daughter, who is 14, can't cry in front of her little sister because of a need to take care of her. Is more mature than most 21 year old people she knows. Sees all of these problems that need to be fixed, but realized that she is the only one that feels an urge to do something about it, or is aware of them. I see the solution to a lot of these problems in black and white. But all that I am thinking and feeling, I can't tell any one I normally would. They are just too close to it, or too young to try and understand what it is like to be Ariana Joelle Miller. Ari is not Ariana. Two separate people. One is ok, just pretends to be sad and overcome, but is really just hiding the girl underneath that rarely sees the surface, that is starting to more, but as an angry, green monster that has a tendency to hurt people, instead of help them heal, like she has the means to do. The girl underneath is the one with the problems. And I love that I can be Ari sometimes, not Ariana. Moving back to Colorado was a bad idea. I see that more and more every day. I thought I may have someone to talk to here about my F'd up head, but I don't. Not that I don't appreciate all of you, but I need someone older than me, but someone that I won't feel like I am burdening with all of my BS. You guys, I love you guys, but you still need to grow up in ways I already have. You, just because of the environment you have always been exposed to, will probably never see the problems I do with the world- and I honestly hope that you never do. It makes you hate the world, and everyone in it. And I can't see myself turning into something that can be happy, without being alone. I need to get over all of my issues, and just get away. Take a step back, and see things for what they are. And I can't do that at home. Or even in Colorado. I need to leave. And hopefully, never come back. In North Carolina, I grew. In Colorado, I am slowly becoming the girl I was before again. I hate that girl. I hate this one too,  but that one more. And I have no clue what to do about it. Because my age is holding me back, my family is, and most of all, my mother.

K is for... well, there's no more words for healthy...

So, as most of you know, I HATE my shape, and wish I could lose weight, get rid of my scars, and all that stuff. So I was looking it up on youtube, and I decided to try and help my skin first. What I found was a honey treatment, a lemon-juice (for scars) treatment, neosporin(WHAT?), and aloe vera. So I will get back and report what I think of each one, I will start with the honey :) Hopefully this stuff helps.

No idea what letter I'm on

So I'm trying to write this personal narrative for english, and I am struggling to come up with positive topics. In fact- I don't HAVE any positive topics. When you realize that your life can be summed up by a frowny face, :( it's pretty depressing. I guess I'm just seeing the glass half empty today. I'm also really tired.

I forgot what my last letter was

Anywho... been a busy couple of weeks. Except it wasn't, because I didn't do school work for 3 weeks, and now I am grounded until the end of the school year. I finally got the guts to tell my mom about my depression, and she acted like I didn't speak. Not my MeMaw is trying to guilt me into going to bed. It's not like I can fall asleep anyway, what's the point? My life sucks a** right now, and I want to make it better. Therefore, I am implementing a "Get Fit Soon" (like "get well soon" get it? Lol) plan. I will exercise 90 minutes a day. Do a 45 minute work-out in the morning, to work on making my stomach look like the girls in the movies, or my arms, or whatever I feel needs improving. And I will start eating better. I have gained 10 pounds since I started home school, and I wanted to be 5 pounds lighter to begin with! So, I want to lose 15 pounds. I joined this new website, called Spark Teen, and it records all work out time, and food eating, and tells me all kinds of stuff, like how many calories I should eat in a day, and how much I have eaten. It also helps me keep track of exercise. It's pretty cool. I will keep you updated, I just got sidetracked by something that happened. Oh, and I am starting a new blog for myself, that contains my workouts, and eating plans. And how I feel over time.