Over my head

Have you ever felt like you just need to scream? I have so many things that I just want to scream about, that have just screwed my life over in so many ways. I read something my mom wrote, and realized something. She has so much going on, she can't really be a mom. She is worried about her family, and what they are doing, my Dad being, well, my dad, his family, and how every one treats her and her job. It upsets me to think she mentioned us kids maybe twice. She tries to be a mom, but we are just invisible to her. I think I have known that for a long time, and pretended that every one else thought I was invisible, when really, it was just my mom. She has tried so hard to care, but failed so miserably. Her daughter, who is 14, can't cry in front of her little sister because of a need to take care of her. Is more mature than most 21 year old people she knows. Sees all of these problems that need to be fixed, but realized that she is the only one that feels an urge to do something about it, or is aware of them. I see the solution to a lot of these problems in black and white. But all that I am thinking and feeling, I can't tell any one I normally would. They are just too close to it, or too young to try and understand what it is like to be Ariana Joelle Miller. Ari is not Ariana. Two separate people. One is ok, just pretends to be sad and overcome, but is really just hiding the girl underneath that rarely sees the surface, that is starting to more, but as an angry, green monster that has a tendency to hurt people, instead of help them heal, like she has the means to do. The girl underneath is the one with the problems. And I love that I can be Ari sometimes, not Ariana. Moving back to Colorado was a bad idea. I see that more and more every day. I thought I may have someone to talk to here about my F'd up head, but I don't. Not that I don't appreciate all of you, but I need someone older than me, but someone that I won't feel like I am burdening with all of my BS. You guys, I love you guys, but you still need to grow up in ways I already have. You, just because of the environment you have always been exposed to, will probably never see the problems I do with the world- and I honestly hope that you never do. It makes you hate the world, and everyone in it. And I can't see myself turning into something that can be happy, without being alone. I need to get over all of my issues, and just get away. Take a step back, and see things for what they are. And I can't do that at home. Or even in Colorado. I need to leave. And hopefully, never come back. In North Carolina, I grew. In Colorado, I am slowly becoming the girl I was before again. I hate that girl. I hate this one too,  but that one more. And I have no clue what to do about it. Because my age is holding me back, my family is, and most of all, my mother.