AWKWARD

I went to lunch today at Burger King. And who do I run into? With Christian? WESTON. He was there. It was so awkward, I wanted to crawl under a rock and die. So what happened was Christian and I walk into Burger King in the middle of the day and sit down to eat our lunch. And then, in comes Weston. He walks up to us and I say 'Hey' and he says 'Hey' and looks at Christian. He looks all funny. He says 'You guys walk here?' and I was like 'Yeah' and he's like 'Why are you being so awkward' and I was thinking 'You're not helping anything with this awkward silence. if you have no idea what to say, how am I supposed to' and he goes and sits in the next booth across from me. And now I feel like he's staring at me, even though I know he's not, but it's still awkward as all get-out. Terrible lunch.

It's complicated

I feel like I'm always messing up. I can't find the words to say, or the things to do. I try so hard, but it's never enough. I wish it was all over. My family is a mess, I'm a mess, everything is a mess. I feel myself changing into the person I want to be, and I can't express it. Every time I let myself become who I am, I feel better. But I have a major problem. That person in my head is still there, and won't go away. I think about that person every day, and I have no way to stop myself. It sucks! I wish it would just go away. I am over the real life person, but I want to be over the in my head person too!

Grand Plan

Ok, so simplified- here is my grand life plan.
1) Finish high school
2) Finish college
3) Become a part-time paralegal, while also being a part-time flight attendant
4) Use time from when I am 18 to when I am 21 to get 3 years online towards becoming a forensic psychologist.
5) Move back to Colorado (or maybe Washington... depends) and become a full time paralegal
6) Move into house/nice apartment and get a dog.
7) Finish college to become a forensic psychologist. Hopefully get a job as one (this will be when I am 26)
8) Hopefully get married before then. If not, live as a pioneer for the rest of my single life, and also a forensic psychologist.
  So... what do you think of my life plan? This is my "if-the-new-system-doesn't-come-as-soon-as-people expect" plan.

Over my head

Have you ever felt like you just need to scream? I have so many things that I just want to scream about, that have just screwed my life over in so many ways. I read something my mom wrote, and realized something. She has so much going on, she can't really be a mom. She is worried about her family, and what they are doing, my Dad being, well, my dad, his family, and how every one treats her and her job. It upsets me to think she mentioned us kids maybe twice. She tries to be a mom, but we are just invisible to her. I think I have known that for a long time, and pretended that every one else thought I was invisible, when really, it was just my mom. She has tried so hard to care, but failed so miserably. Her daughter, who is 14, can't cry in front of her little sister because of a need to take care of her. Is more mature than most 21 year old people she knows. Sees all of these problems that need to be fixed, but realized that she is the only one that feels an urge to do something about it, or is aware of them. I see the solution to a lot of these problems in black and white. But all that I am thinking and feeling, I can't tell any one I normally would. They are just too close to it, or too young to try and understand what it is like to be Ariana Joelle Miller. Ari is not Ariana. Two separate people. One is ok, just pretends to be sad and overcome, but is really just hiding the girl underneath that rarely sees the surface, that is starting to more, but as an angry, green monster that has a tendency to hurt people, instead of help them heal, like she has the means to do. The girl underneath is the one with the problems. And I love that I can be Ari sometimes, not Ariana. Moving back to Colorado was a bad idea. I see that more and more every day. I thought I may have someone to talk to here about my F'd up head, but I don't. Not that I don't appreciate all of you, but I need someone older than me, but someone that I won't feel like I am burdening with all of my BS. You guys, I love you guys, but you still need to grow up in ways I already have. You, just because of the environment you have always been exposed to, will probably never see the problems I do with the world- and I honestly hope that you never do. It makes you hate the world, and everyone in it. And I can't see myself turning into something that can be happy, without being alone. I need to get over all of my issues, and just get away. Take a step back, and see things for what they are. And I can't do that at home. Or even in Colorado. I need to leave. And hopefully, never come back. In North Carolina, I grew. In Colorado, I am slowly becoming the girl I was before again. I hate that girl. I hate this one too,  but that one more. And I have no clue what to do about it. Because my age is holding me back, my family is, and most of all, my mother.

K is for... well, there's no more words for healthy...

So, as most of you know, I HATE my shape, and wish I could lose weight, get rid of my scars, and all that stuff. So I was looking it up on youtube, and I decided to try and help my skin first. What I found was a honey treatment, a lemon-juice (for scars) treatment, neosporin(WHAT?), and aloe vera. So I will get back and report what I think of each one, I will start with the honey :) Hopefully this stuff helps.

No idea what letter I'm on

So I'm trying to write this personal narrative for english, and I am struggling to come up with positive topics. In fact- I don't HAVE any positive topics. When you realize that your life can be summed up by a frowny face, :( it's pretty depressing. I guess I'm just seeing the glass half empty today. I'm also really tired.

I forgot what my last letter was

Anywho... been a busy couple of weeks. Except it wasn't, because I didn't do school work for 3 weeks, and now I am grounded until the end of the school year. I finally got the guts to tell my mom about my depression, and she acted like I didn't speak. Not my MeMaw is trying to guilt me into going to bed. It's not like I can fall asleep anyway, what's the point? My life sucks a** right now, and I want to make it better. Therefore, I am implementing a "Get Fit Soon" (like "get well soon" get it? Lol) plan. I will exercise 90 minutes a day. Do a 45 minute work-out in the morning, to work on making my stomach look like the girls in the movies, or my arms, or whatever I feel needs improving. And I will start eating better. I have gained 10 pounds since I started home school, and I wanted to be 5 pounds lighter to begin with! So, I want to lose 15 pounds. I joined this new website, called Spark Teen, and it records all work out time, and food eating, and tells me all kinds of stuff, like how many calories I should eat in a day, and how much I have eaten. It also helps me keep track of exercise. It's pretty cool. I will keep you updated, I just got sidetracked by something that happened. Oh, and I am starting a new blog for myself, that contains my workouts, and eating plans. And how I feel over time.

H is for Harass

I am so done. I kinda want to just move away, and be by myself. Free to do whatever I want, when I want. Bad several weeks, and I want to go into a coma and come out in the new system. I am just so tired... and I see weak sides of people I don't want to. Let me have delusions about a perfect world why don't you?

G is for Giving out

What does it take to get some alone time? Huh???? Leave me alone! I am about to flip out. I just want to go to sleep, and dance in the rain. Read a book with a dog, while it's raining on an apartment in Wash. State that's 30 levels up and all modern and stuff... with an awesome boyfriend and no problems. How's that for a dream?

F is for flustered

I wish that I wasn't so easily fooled. I thought that she was my best friend, that she, you know, actually was gonna be my friend. Didn't I learn my lesson? I  mean, seriously? She switches friends every six seconds. Crushes too. No offense to her, and it's not her fault, but she's not exactly conducive to any kind of long-term relationship. God, it pisses me off. She called Gabe a d****bag, and she has no idea what the heck she's talking about. "He's this, and he's that..." Seriously? You're just pissed he caught you being a bad little girl (heavy on the sarcasm) Done with your bull crap.

E is for Extreme

My day was to say the least, extreme. My grandmother died. Then I got a blue orchid. Freaking awesome! Then I went to Lyss's house, and now Lexi's. I got like, 5 hours of sleep last night, it has made me loopy. I have no idea what I am doing now. I don't mean to sound cold, but I hope I get my own room back. I will need it in upcoming months.

D is for Disorganized

God, that is my life summed up in one tight little ball. I had a total break down today. Complete and total breakdown. I started sobbing, and my grandma is either doing so terribly that she is not coherent, or she's too drugged up to think clearly. I hope it's drugged up. And the doctor was right when he said she had about 3 months to live. Man, she doesn't look good. But it was easier to deal with because Suzi was here. I haven't mentioned this before, but god- I love my Aunt Suzi. She's like the mom I wish I had. She doesn't hide anything from me- like I need to be protected. I've probably been through more than the average 14 year old kid out there, and if it's one thing I don't need protected. And she treats me like I'm as mature as I am. But also, when I break, she's there to hold me and tell me it's ok. She listens to me when I talk, not just giving me an answer to satisfy me for the moment. She sees things they way I do (which I must admit, is pretty fantastic) and she is a REAL person. She doesn't hide the fact that she has been through a lot, and tells people things they want to stay hidden. She is honest, and not afraid to tell you something is wrong with you. She isn't what most people would consider to be unoffensive, she's not afraid to flip you off- but then again- everybody has issues, and really, you can't complain at hers when the governing body cusses sometimes. I mean- don't look at the straw in your brothers' eye when you have a rafter in yours. All in all, she is exactly what I need to get through this. I am so happy I was able to come to that conclusion today.
~~~~ In other news: ~~~~
I am gonna start adding a new little thing at the end of my posts- it will look like this:
Day Rating: **
Song of the Day: Fix a Heart- Demi Lovato
Quote for the day: Never let life's hardships disturb you- no one can avoid problems.
Good Thing of the Day: Family

C is for Content

I <3 being home schooled. I had chili and coke for lunch :) Yummy. I took a nice loooong shower. I get so much more time, and I get to learn however I want, and whenever. Yummy chili... and I don't have to worry bout my teachers catching me texting :)

B is for Brusque

Agh!!!! I want to be CURT with my mother. Grrrr. I want to go down to my grandparents for a month. To recharge, get to know them a little better, you know? They live in Maryland, and they are the bomb diggety. (Don't make fun of me) But I asked my mother, and this is what she said "I don't know if I'm comfortable with that." Wait- rewind. WTH? WHY??? Because I'll be gone for a month? Um- trust me- I need to be. They're my GRANDPARENTS! What on earth could she have a problem with?
Next Day Viewpoint: I sound like a 6-year old. She will tell me eventually. I just like a things to be definite, and decided quickly, she doesn't really...

A is for Abhorrence

I am frozen in this moment, and at this moment, I am sinking. Sinking into what? You might ask. Really, it's self pity. I don't know how to deal with any of what's going on right now. My grandmother is dying- but she's in denial. My family couldn't care less about anything but themselves. I am trying, it's really hard when they are just plain mean. Things always get worse when I get home. When I am out, I am always afraid of that moment when I have to go home. I don't want to. At home, I have to watch fights (which for my INFJ personality type sucks butt) watch my grandma die, deal with my PMSing teenage little sister who is my polar opposite (if you ever meet the one person you truly cannot get along with, I hope to god it's not your little sister. Cause then, life sucks) deal with my parents who are so wrapped up in their own problems that they can't see what's obviously in front of their face (that I have major depression and hate everyone in my immediate family) and the fact that I absolutely hate myself. I mean, I'm ugly, I have so many pimples that make me gross to look at, I'm selfish, I have the tendency to gossip, but sometimes I can't tell the difference between gossip and venting, I'm dumb, I can't say the right thing, I am mean. I absolutely hate that I am mean. Every time I do something to some one that hurts them, I feel like I am about to throw up. And I know that I do it- and when I do it. And I want to say sorry, but I know that I'll get a sarcastic or mean response. I get enough of that from my sister, I don't need it from someone else. I have so many problems. Including the guy I like- Gabe in this little story- will never look at me the way I want him to. Ever.