A is for Abhorrence

I am frozen in this moment, and at this moment, I am sinking. Sinking into what? You might ask. Really, it's self pity. I don't know how to deal with any of what's going on right now. My grandmother is dying- but she's in denial. My family couldn't care less about anything but themselves. I am trying, it's really hard when they are just plain mean. Things always get worse when I get home. When I am out, I am always afraid of that moment when I have to go home. I don't want to. At home, I have to watch fights (which for my INFJ personality type sucks butt) watch my grandma die, deal with my PMSing teenage little sister who is my polar opposite (if you ever meet the one person you truly cannot get along with, I hope to god it's not your little sister. Cause then, life sucks) deal with my parents who are so wrapped up in their own problems that they can't see what's obviously in front of their face (that I have major depression and hate everyone in my immediate family) and the fact that I absolutely hate myself. I mean, I'm ugly, I have so many pimples that make me gross to look at, I'm selfish, I have the tendency to gossip, but sometimes I can't tell the difference between gossip and venting, I'm dumb, I can't say the right thing, I am mean. I absolutely hate that I am mean. Every time I do something to some one that hurts them, I feel like I am about to throw up. And I know that I do it- and when I do it. And I want to say sorry, but I know that I'll get a sarcastic or mean response. I get enough of that from my sister, I don't need it from someone else. I have so many problems. Including the guy I like- Gabe in this little story- will never look at me the way I want him to. Ever.